I just went to an al-anon meeting and feel all sorts of loose and light and balanced and hopeful and quite emotional. I don't mind he emotional part, I think it's part of the package with al-anon. I was so moved by my experience that I called my mom and dad to just say hello because I was actually in a good mood. I can't remember the last time I called them when I was in a good mood. Probably in 2008. Maybe. I even had the nerve to ask my mom if she ever went to al-anon when my brother was alive. She said she went to one meeting, but she was in too much denial and pain from the situation that she wasn't ready for it. I wasn't surprised. I think she could really benefit from it today, but that's up to her to decide.
I'm so grateful for being in a place where I am able to accept this program into my life. It helps me relate better to Eric and be less critical and controlling about what he's doing and feeling (I was HORRIBLE with that). It's teaching me to 'detach with love' and allow Eric to do what he needs to do and be ok with it. It allows me to take care of myself and what I need. That's something that was completely left in the dark for a long time. I feel that with this program and going to the meetings that I'm rediscovering who I am and I'm learning more about who I am at the same time. I'm getting a sense for what my boundaries are and I'm actually ok with those boundaries. I'm gaining perspective on what I went through growing up that I don't think I ever would have been able to see without the program. I still would have been stuck in my negative thinking and wondering 'why she said this' or 'he did that' or 'why does she have to act that way'. I wouldn't have been able to realize that my parents did the best that they could and I can't continue to blame them for the way that I react and feel about things that happen to me. The way I react and feel is up to me. No one else. It's amazing. Truly amazing. I never would have thought that I would be involved in a spiritual program. I totally buy everything it teaches me because I believe it's all so fucking true. I don't have to worry about everything so much. I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to. I can say no. I have a choice. I have a voice. It's fucking great.
I spoke in my meeting tonight about serenity and how it's a completely new concept to me. I mentioned my family life growing up as well and talked about my brother. It's funny how I never really though of him as an alcoholic or an addict growing up, but as I look back and remember him and his behavior, I know that's what he was. I'm not sure if my mom sort of overreacted to his drinking and drugging.....and I'll never be able to know one way or the other.....but he was a sick person. I always thought that Eric was the first addict to come into my life. But I was wrong. Tom was. I grew up with one and didn't even know it because my mom protected me from all the chaos and kept me on the outside of all the problems in the home. The old me would sit here and feel sorry for myself and be angry and resentful at my mom for making me feel the way I did all those years. The new me realizes that all of those feelings and events are in the past. They're done. There's nothing I can do to change them. The new me knows that all I have is today. A small block of 24 hours that are mine. The new me is only wondering what she's going to do with today. I don't do that all the time...I'm new to all the concepts and I'm trying to retrain my brain....but I'm remembering that today is all that I have more often than I was before and I'm grateful as hell for that. It helps me keep ahold of my serenity. I don't want anything to jeopardize that.